"Dr. Lovett, my husband divorced me six years ago to marry another lady. Since he is still alive, would I be living in a state of adultery if I married again?"

Good question! Not the toughest, but just right for starting an article like this. You see it is a lot easier to give counsel after a divorce has taken place. For once a divorce has occurred, the counsel is then directed at making the best of the situation. In that case some godly wisdom makes the answer rather conspicuous (James 1:5).

In my reply, I picked up on her use of the term..."state of adultery," and made it the basis of my reply:

"There is no such thing as a STATE of adultery. Adultery is a SIN, not a state. It is something you COMMIT, not something you CREATE."

"The Lord Jesus said a man who divorces his wife causes her to commit adultery (Matt. 5.32). It is my view that this should be regarded as a SINGLE SIN, one which can be confessed and forgiven the same as any other sin—never to be remembered against you any more."

The lady was delighted with my reply. It set her free from the legalistic teaching which had bound her for years. As a minister of the Word, I am pleased when the truth sets people free from bondage, but it works both ways. Sometimes the truth is NOT what a person wants to hear at all...as in the case of...

ANOTHER LADY WHO CALLED

"Dr. Lovett, my life with my unsaved husband is horrible. I can't begin to tell you what I've suffered. Not only am I a verbally abused wife, but I'm forbidden to go to church or have Christian friends. I'm so embarrassed over our poverty and reputation that I hate to go out of the house. Everyone tells me to divorce him, but l was raised to think that divorce is UNTHINKABLE for Christians."

Before I replied I needed to ask a question: "May I ask what this has done to you spiritually? I mean is it making you bitter and resentful toward him, or is it driving you to prayer and a greater dependence on the Lord? I need a frank answer before I can deal with your question."

"Well I don't really hate him. It's just that I don't think I can take any more. It's damaging my health. If I didn't have the Lord, I don't know what I'd do. I guess I'd have to say all this is making me lean on the Lord more."

That's what I needed to know. It was clear what my answer should be. You've probably guessed my reply:

"Dear sister, there's no way you can divorce this man. God has you right where He wants you. You may think you're in a meat grinder, but it is making you rich in Christ."

THE
BASIC
PREMISE

Here's the guiding principle behind my counsel: If the marriage is making you more like Satan than like Jesus, it is defeating God's purpose in the marriage. God's goal for us is that we become like His Son (Rom. 8:29). It hurts God to see His children become more and more like the devil every day. He would rather have marriage end, than watch a son or daughter throw away their growth opportunity in a ruinous marriage.

Before advising Christians, I first explore to see if their marriage is making them BITTER OR BETTER. If it is clear the marital pressures are making them more like Jesus (better), I counsel them to stay married, in spite of the pain involved. On the other hand, if the marriage is making them more like Satan (bitter), then they should think about divorce. For when the marriage is WORSE THAN DIVORCE, God is the big loser.

GOD IS LIKE A DOCTOR

Doctors hate to amputate limbs, but when gangrene sets in or cancer is spreading, they'll do it to save a life. In the same way God, though HATING DIVORCE, will quickly tolerate one to salvage a child trapped in an evil marriage. It is the lesser of two evils. God is not legalistic as some men are. He understands there is no way to IMPOSE a perfect law on imperfect people and expect it to work every time.

On the other hand, He can't establish anything less than a perfect law, for His laws spring from His own being. There is no way sinful man can live up to God's perfect standard. Consequently there will always be casualties in the marriage program and God is fully aware of it, even if men aren't. The Bible is full of God's provision for man's failure in every area of life, marriage included (1st John 2:1). He is a compassionate God.

BUT DOESN'T GOD HATE DIVORCE?

Yes, and He flatly says so..."I hate divorce!" (Mal. 2:16 NIV).

There is no question that God hates divorce, but when does He ever get His way with everything? Fame, fortune, family and fun seem to be the forces driving modern believers, rather than the reality of Jesus. What God likes or doesn't like, apparently takes second place. Of course, He'd like to see His marriage law working perfectly, but when have any of his perfect laws worked perfectly with imperfect people? Certainly they didn't in Old Testament times and things are no better in our day.

Now there is something God hates more than divorce. When marriage, which is designed to make people like CHRIST, does the opposite and makes them LIKE SATAN, He is hurt. HE HATES IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS. God would be the last one to tell a wife to stay in that situation. He would say, as He did to Moses, "Write her a bill of divorcement!" (Deut. 24:1, 2). As much as He hates divorce, He hates an evil marriage even more.

JESUS'
COMMENT
ON MOSES'
LAW

When the Pharisees questioned Jesus about divorce, He replied with the original intention: "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall be one flesh" (Matt. 19:5). The Pharisees then asked, "Why did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied. "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard..." (Vs: 7, 8).

Note how the Lord said..."YOUR HEARTS," not the hearts of the ancient Israelites. That's because human nature hasn't changed. Those hearing the Lord in person were no different than their ancestors. And we in America are no different  either. Without the relief valve of divorce, there'd be dead wives from one end of the land to the other, with many choosing to avoid marriage completely. If divorce were not possible today, people would respond  as did Jesus' disciples: "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry" (Vs. 10).

THE "LETTER" VERSUS THE "SPIRIT"

"...For the letter killeth, but the Spirit giveth life" (2 Cor. 3:6 KJV). How easy for men to thump "the letter of the law" and point the accusing finger at the divorced Christian. They leave no room for marital casualties, whereas they willingly leave room for other kinds of casualties. There are accidents in marriage, just as there are accidents in other areas of life. Not all can be deemed strong just because they bear the name Christian, for believers can be found spread over a vast range of differences in strength and understanding. It's a shame when any are crushed under the letter of the law.

Too few know God's Word well enough to know His heart. They'll work 8 hours a day to make a living, but won't spend 8 minutes getting to know Him personally—through His Word—which is the only way He can be known. Consequently they are unable to judge the difference between living by the "LETTER" of the law and living by the "SPIRIT" of the law. If they did, they'd know that God is a FATHER, NOT A LAWYER. Men focus on chapter and verse, totally ignoring God's heart. They don't realize that New Testament legalism is just as hateful as that of the Scribes and Pharisees.

I think to God's mind, divorce is far more tolerable THAN GOSSIP! That is really satanic. It is done for the fiendish pleasure it brings the gossiping Christian. No one is locked into gossip as people are locked into marriage. Yet where are people banned from church office for gossiping! See—men don't think as God thinks. And that brings us to...

THE COMPASSIONATE SIDE OF DIVORCE

The "BITTER OR BETTER" approach I have presented here is fully Scriptural, but there's no way for me to prove it in the wee space of this article. Some may want to shoot me down for what I've said here. The fair thing to do would be to read my book, THE COMPASSIONATE SIDE OF DIVORCE, where I have room to set forth the Biblical basis and show how God uses it. If you're facing a divorce or know of someone who is divorced and suffering under the bondage of legalism; or someone who is suffering terribly in a killer marriage, you'll do them a great kindness if you place a copy of THE COMPASSIONATE SIDE OF DIVORCE in their hands. You may rescue them from a HORRIBLE situation and point them to...

Click Here
For More
About This
Book

A BETTER WAY.

This article is Copyright 2001 by Dr. C. S. Lovett and is found on www.cslovettbooks.com